DIVA Diaries: The Time Has Come...

The Diva Diaries is a weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey.

I first learned about forgiveness just a couple of years ago. Isn’t that strange? I grew up in a first-generation immigrant family, and I’m pretty sure the word, “forgive,” does not even exist in my family’s native language. In fact, grudges were encouraged and common practice--especially in families. My parents normalized not speaking to siblings or my grandparents for years--sometimes decades--on end. Other people I know went to the grave refusing to forgive people in their lives. What kind of way is that to live? At the end of the day, who is carrying around the load and the stress of the hurt? You are!

So, when I approached the forgiveness coursework, I knew that I had a challenge ahead of me. In my narcissistic marriage, I ended up in a terrible triangulated situation between my ex and one of his flying monkeys. It was at that time, during therapy, where I learned about forgiveness. The examples I was given by my therapist included Holocaust survivors, who spent their life’s work advocating forgiveness. If a Holocaust survivor could forgive the deplorable, inhumane acts from the Nazis, I surely could forgive my putz of an ex-husband, right? I had to write letters to those people whom I still held grudges against. I had to state why they hurt me, how they hurt me, how it made me feel, and the last part was that I had to tell them that I forgave them. UGGGGHHHHHHH. Even worse, I had to wish them well--and ask them to forgive me! Can you even?! The good news is, these letters will not be mailed out or read by anyone but myself. I wrote four letters, placed them under a white candle and lit the candle seven consecutive days in a row. The energy work and metaphysical aspect of DIVA University is probably my favorite part. Surrendering and trusting what you can’t see or make sense of is vital to this journey. As I go on, I am fascinated by how much of our personalities are informed from the subconscious mind--the part of our brains we aren’t even aware affects us. Shay has provided a 30+ minute affirmations meditation that I’ve been listening to every chance I get. It is a series of affirmations about myself and my future that I am working hard to instill in my subconscious, to drain out the older, limiting beliefs that never served me. The wildest part is: it’s working. I can feel it. Every day I am a lighter person. Even when I have bad days at work, I just shrug them off and know that not every day can be a win. Prior to DIVA University, I would feel like the world was literally ending and that every day I was a failure--just because of one bad day. No wonder I found myself stuck in a cycle of negativity. I’ve also been thinking a lot about how time is a construct. Hear me out--I know this sounds kind of crazy. But, part of manifesting what you desire is to live as if it is already happening. So, even after a full workday, as I’m sitting at my kitchen table in my empty house alone after I eat a Lean Cuisine for dinner, I can envision and feel an alternate reality in which I am driving home to my partner who is in the kitchen waiting for me with a glass of wine, greeting me with a big kiss and a smile. We cook dinner together, listen to music, dance, talk about our days, and laugh and flirt. We sit down and enjoy a meal together, and my heart is bursting with love and joy. It is simply perfect. Though it feels like a fantasy, it’s really not. Somewhere in time, that is happening for me, and I really believe that. Similarly, though, the abuse and trauma of the past are over. It is not still going on within me--unless I permit it to. That was part of the deal in writing the letters and lighting the candle--accept that all of what's been done is in the rearview mirror and is over. It has no business existing in the present.

As Shay says, my perfect soulmate lives right now within me. And even if he hasn’t come into physical form yet, he is on his way, and I can “visit” him anytime I want to. I am so excited for that day to come. And I know it will.

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